Journal Entry: Mon Sep 29, 2014, 10:59 PM
Negative cycles are hard to break. Once it has begun it will keep going unless there is distinct effort. I am incapable of distinct effort. Ugh. This stupid college program isn't helping.. it's really hard to convince myself I need to get up when I don't need to go to class. It's most beneficial..but yadda yadda I said this already. Good thing is that I have not actually screwed up anything of importance. I have done everything that I have needed to and am capable of completing everything I need done. Just pointless anxiety keeps me from sleeping. I know I just have to lie down and relax. But I won't. Oh I hates self inflicted problems. Then the fault lies on oneself and it is natural to feel poor thus leading to inaction and furthering the problem. Pretty sure I went through this already at least once. Probably about 12 times.
Just do what you have to.. just do it. Worry about the other things later.. speaking of which I need to figure out what to do about doctors here. I'm nearly out of drugs. I could probably stop taking them but then I think things would be much worse. Instead of this mild discomfort there would be that crushing emptiness. The vacuum of infinite pressure. Yet no matter what I still complain. So it's rather difficult to gauge what is better. Pretty sure I had a good quote about relating normality... Found it.
The unfortunate thing about feeling better is that "better" is relative to "normal". Of course once "better" becomes "normal", the perspective is no longer that things are better. A hindsight perspective relating positive to negative is hardly as strong as wishing for a positive in negative times. Tis easy to desire what you have not, but more difficult to appreciate what you have gained once the novelty has been worn.
That more or less sums up any change in life. If it's better, it's minimal enough that once it has worn a bit there is still enough to complain about.
Things to do that would be beneficial:
1) WAKE UP. GET OUT OF BED YOU STUPID FUCKWAD (Obvioulsy directed at me, if you feel similarly, I'm not insulting you)
2) No naps. Stay up. If you lie down, you won't get up again.
3) Eat well. Hearty food may provide more varied energy sources such that all organs will be happy.
4) Try to hold a conversation, if one presents itself. You're a lonely bastard. Do it.
5) Interact more with the real world. The internet is not a substitute for living, even if it feels like it.
6) Take time to enjoy yourself without neglecting responsibility. Self=important=Responsibilities
Listening to: Silence
Reading: Advanced Organic Chemistry: Synthesis
Eating: Trail MIx